Your Celebrity Birthday for 11/14/09

Happy birthday to Leopold Mozart, who was born 290 years ago today. Mozart was a renowned composer, conductor, teacher and violinist. Unfortunately, he was also the father of Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, and so all other accomplishments are now meaningless and inconsequential.

Mind the Gap (or, How I Spent my Web-Log’s Hiatus)

As anyone with a cursory knowledge of the Gregorian calendar can probably figure out, it has been roughly two-and-a-half months since I’ve last updated this volume. It is inexcusable for someone, even someone with as many fascinating side projects as myself, to neglect a responsibility like the one I have to my many devoted readers. Therefore, I feel some explanation is in order and so offer this list of some of the things I've been up to that kept me from writing here.

• Working on my adaptation of the musical Annie into a slightly different musical, also called “Annie."
• Hiking the entire distance of Sherman’s march to the sea, followed by my less than successful capture of the city of Savannah, Georgia.
• Composing palindromatic entries for my other web-log, Backwords.
• Backing up the files on my computer by hand-transcribing their contents, bit by bit, onto sheets of paper.
• Developing strategies to profit by monetizing this web-log or, barring that, somebody else's.
• Fielding the substantial quantities of mail asking why I had stopped updating.

Keeping Up (With My) Appearances

(For information on when I will be making a public appearance next.)

October 6 – 7:15 PM

Hamilton Hall, University of North

CarolinaChapel Hill, North Carolina

I will be serving as guest moderator for a debate on the United States’ trade relations with China. Arguing the two sides of the debate will be Dr. Samuel Henshaw, visiting Professor of Economics and International Affairs, and his evil twin from a bizarre parallel universe.

Your Tiny Crossword for the Day

Although I often use my web-log to disseminate bits of my accumulated knowledge and wisdom, I am not above giving you, my reader, a more active role once in a while. So to tease your brain and tickle your fancy, I submit the following puzzle. Enjoy!

Across:

1. Public radio personalities Glass and Flatow

4. Part of a ft.

5. Suitable or appropriate

Down:

2. Mr. Van Winkle

3. Tiny farm denizen

The Six Stages of Bonsai Fanaticism

Bonsai, literally translated from the Japanese as “tray planting,” is the ancient art of growing trees in shallow pots, maintaining them so they never develop beyond miniature scale. Bonsai has now become a popular hobby among many in the West, and although it seems like an innocent enough venture, Bonsai fanaticism has a potentially dangerous dark side. If you know someone interested in growing bonsai trees, read this guide to the hobby’s eventual progression, so you can step in before it’s too late.

The process begins simply enough when the bonsai enthusiast decides to cultivate a bonsai tree. He researches the proper care and maintenance, learning the methods of pruning and shaping to achieve a proper bonsai tree. He finds that bonsai trees require an inordinate amount of care and he will lavish that care. To his delight, his tree develops beautifully, developing tiny leaves and bark.

However, that will soon not be enough. His hobby moves into its second stage when he decides that he must have multiple bonsai trees. He sends out for seeds and clippings from other trees to plant in his bonsai trays. He plants coniferous and deciduous trees—trees from across the world and from down the street. He plants an entire grove of miniature bonsai fruit trees, approaching the limits of his small apartment.

Now begins the third stage, as the enthusiast begins to clear space in his apartment by slowly selling off his furniture. He begins to set his bonsai trees out across the apartment floor, creating a forest beneath his feet. His preference for small versions of things will become all the more obvious when he purchases dollhouses to build in the clearings. He then lays out a layer of soil and peat across his apartment floor, only a few inches deep. He plants his trees in this shallow layer of earth and covers his walls and ceiling with a mural of the sky.

Having created a miniature domain, the bonsai enthusiast will naturally seek to populate it, in the fourth stage. Although many different types of small animals could be used—hermit crabs, small lizards, frogs—he most likely chooses mice. Having acquired a dozen or so mice, the enthusiast then retreats back into his apartment biome, turning his back on civilization. His journeys into the outside world will decrease in length and frequency at this time, until they stop completely.

At this point, the fifth stage, the enthusiast’s entire focus is on maintaining his diminutive ecosystem. The mice, clever creatures that they are, are soon trained to reside in the dollhouses and harvest the tiny bonsai fruit. Free from natural predators, the mice flourish and civilize. They develop primitive communication and begin to regard the bonsai enthusiast as a sort of god. They praise him and offer sacrifices to him, which he takes and eats, residing on his bed and surveying his creation.

In the sixth stage, the bonsai enthusiast has contented himself with sitting and watching as the world he has set in motion slowly unfolds. The mice, having worked out their own systems of agriculture, are now in charge of maintaining the forests. They have progressed extraordinarily as a culture, producing great works of art and writing. Some of the writers begin questioning the existence of the giant man whom they have been worshiping. The enthusiast wishes to remind them that he is so close at hand, but he has become disconnected and is afraid of upsetting their society’s balance. As their collective memories of the enthusiast blur, the mice search for meaning in everything they do. One mouse decides that he will content himself with some sort of personal pursuit. He takes a few clippings from one of the trees and plants them in a shallow pot, carefully pruning and shaping his creation—a miniature tree.

Lesser Used Internet Acronyms

Because of the vast popularity of internet communication—through chat, email, Twitter, Facebook and the like—many internet phrases and acronyms have moved into general spoken use. However, for every LOL and IMHO, there are numerous acronyms that have not caught on. Here are a few of those acronyms:

• CWATC - Chuckling Wryly at That Comment
• AMTRSIM - Allow Me to Repeat Some Internet Meme
• TWAF - That Wasn't Actually Funny
• TASS - Typing in Acronyms to Save Space
• WTGAN - Writing the Great American Novel
• EAFOL - Erecting a Façade of Laughter
• WWTRLLIITOIA - Wondering What the Reasonable Length Limit is in Terms of Internet Acronyms

Free Style: On the Subject of Neckties

(The following is an excerpt from my thrice-weekly syndicated fashion and design column, Free Style.)

It is clear that, regardless of the color or material, width or pattern, a stylish necktie is an essential part of any man’s wardrobe. However, too many people spend time picking out the perfect tie only to give no thought to the way in which it will be tied. The slight variations in size and shape of a knot can be suited better to different circumstances, so it is important to have several knots at one's disposal. So, next time you need to wear a necktie, you might want to bear one of these knots in mind.

The Windsor Knot – A classic formal knot, notable for its width and triangular shape. The knot is tied by crossing the broad end of the tie in front, folding it over going back to front, wrapping it around the knot, folding it over front to back, wrapping it around again, and then threading it through the loop in the front of the tie.

The Pratt (or Shelby) Knot – This knot is unusual in that it begins with the necktie worn inside out. The broad end of the tie is crossed behind the thin end. It is then wrapped aro

und the left side of the collar loop, wrapped around the front of the knot, and then threaded through the loop at the front of the tie.

The Pendulum Knot – The secret to this knot is that the middle of the necktie is twisted several times. Keeping these twists tight, the broad end of the tie crosses over in front, is wrapped around the left and then right side of the collar loop, then is wrapped around the front and threaded through. If done right, the twisted tie will act as a sort of spring, twisting and re-twisting inside the knot as the tension is released, causing the necktie to slowly oscillate back and forth.

The Gordian Knot – Jokingly named for the “impossible to untie” knot from the legends of Alexander the Great, th

is knot is actually quite simple to untie. It is a variation on a slipped knot, tied by wrapping two folded loops of the tie around each other, so that a sharp pull on the tie will cause it to unravel. Although it is very easy to untie, it is ironically quite resistant to being cut with a sword.

The Chesterfield Braid – One end of the necktie is wrapped around the other and then folded over forming a loose loop, which the end is then threaded through and folded over forming a loose loop. This process is repeated some four dozen times, resulting in a chain of knots that is twisted around itself, resulting in a loop for the remaining tie to thread through. Once a popular style in London in the late 1870s, this knot is rarely used nowadays, as it takes fifteen or twenty minutes to tie and requires a special 18-foot-long necktie.

(NOTE FOR FRICTIONLESS NECKTIES: It should be noted that all of the above knots rely on friction to hold them together, so will not work on a tie made from a completely frictionless material. In such cases, the wearer should place a pin through the knot in order to hold it in place.)

Upcoming Presidential Summits

This evening, President Barack Obama will host prominent Harvard Professor Henry Louis Gates Jr. and Sgt. James Crowley, the Cambridge police officer who made headlines recently for arresting Gates for disorderly conduct, at the White House to talk and drink beer, in a groundbreaking "Beer Summit." Here is a list of other important summit meetings Obama has planned in the next year.

• September 7, 2009 - Labor Day Barbecue Summit
• October 3, 2009 - Dinner-and-a-Movie Anniversary Summit with First Lady Michelle Obama
• December 25, 2009 - Obama Family Christmas Summit
• February 7, 2010 - Super Bowl Party Summit
• March 7, 2010 - Academy Awards Watch Party Summit
• June 25 - 27, 2010 - Annual G8 Leaders Summit

Three Alternative Proposals for Health Care Reform

As Congress is currently negotiating major health care reform legislation, I felt obligated to weigh in on this contentious political topic. Although there is wide consensus that reform is needed, the details of that reform are fiercely debated. How drastic should this change be? Should health coverage be federally mandated? What role should employers pay in providing coverage? How would public health care be funded?

Of course for all the discussion of the different ideas being considered, attention should also be paid to the ideas and proposals left out of the debate. The following are three of these proposals.

1. Each American is required to spend three years studying a specific area of medicine. In this time, each person is able to cultivate a tiny amount of medical expertise, which they can offer to their friends or family. Because each person is knowledgeable in a different area, an informal barter system develops as people trade their services. For future reference, I would study dentistry.
2. Health care funding is transferred to the Department of Defense, supporting programs focused on helping people slowly develop immunities to all manner of diseases. These diseases are then weaponized and stored in top-secret facilities, where they can be used to defend the Earth from the hordes of extraterrestrial invaders we inevitably face.
3. The Department of Health and Human Services undertakes a $245 million media campaign convincing Americans that “if it hurts when you do it, don’t do it.” This is followed up by federal funding specifically allocated for the purchase and distribution of chicken soup to the ill and an Executive Order establishing the President’s Task Force on Making Sure You Get Some Rest.

Keeping Up (With My) Appearances

(For information on my schedule of public appearances.)

August 20 – 1:30 PM

Barnes & Noble Booksellers

Springfield, Missouri

This event was originally slated be a book signing coinciding with the release of my forthcoming memoir, And Then I Began to Write. Unfortunately, my publisher has once again delayed the book’s release, so I will instead be signing copies of Barack Obama’s Dreams from My Father.

Six Comebacks You Can Use Today

Perhaps the most highly coveted social skill is mastery of the witty comeback. There are few things more satisfying than countering a snide remark with a stinging rejoinder. Unfortunately, the perfect retort too often comes after the opportune time has passed. Even I, with my formidable wit, often grasp futilely for a perfect line, as the conversation slowly drifts away from me. For that reason, I’ve taken the liberty of crafting a few all-purpose comebacks for your everyday use.

• “That was such an inane comment that I won’t even dignify that with a comeback.”
• “Wait, what? Oh, sorry. I was listening to the ambient background noise, as it is more interesting than you.”
• “You make a good point there. Actually, no. I'm just agreeing with you ironically.”

The following three comebacks are also quite good, but only under very specific circumstances. Nevertheless, commit these to memory in case you find yourself in a situation where one would be appropriate.

• “I see. Well, I highly doubt Blaise Pascal would want to go out with you anyway.”
• “Are you kidding me? What is this, the House Committee on Rules?”
• “You might as well have run it through a centrifuge for all the good it would have done you.”

Correction to the Previous Correction

The recent correction published earlier today at 2:34 PM was intended to correct a web-log posting from June 22, 2009. Upon further inspection, the original posting in question was found to contain other errors, too numerous to bother correcting. For that reason, the posting has been deleted. Disregard the recent correction, as it is now irrelevant.

Correction

The recent web-log posting of June 22, 2009 entitled “Three Easy-to-Make Salad Dressings” contained an error. Horatio Lord Nelson, the British Naval Officer who died at the Battle of Trafalgar was not (as the post indicated) an Admiral. He was in fact a Vice Admiral.

Five Variations on the Board Game Clue

Many of you have written echoing a long-held complaint of mine: the Parker Brothers’ board game Clue is a bit too formulaic, with its rigid “one murderer, one weapon, one room” structure. Out of deference to the Brothers Parker, I’ve previously kept quiet on this matter. However, after hearing this criticism so widely repeated, I offer my suggestions for novel variations on an old classic.

Real Estate Clue

Each character is willed a portion of Mr. Boddy’s estate (real estate holdings randomly drawn from a Monopoly game). For each turn, a turn of Monopoly is also taken. The murderer can be determined either through logical deduction or by whoever’s inheritance is worth the most by the end of the game, as that character has the greatest motive for killing Mr. Boddy.

Inoffensive Fun Times Clue

At the start of game, no cards are placed in the envelope, Mr. Boddy is not murdered, and he and his party guests explore the mansion, where the only limit to their rollicking misadventures is their own imaginations.

Deconstruction Clue

Game is played as normal, except that upon entering a room, a player may either make a suggestion about the details of the murder, or make an observation pointing out some contradiction in the logic of the game. For example, one could question why guests are only allowed to move a certain number of squares for any turn, or indeed why the hallways have been arbitrarily marked off into squares in the first place. Another player may point out that it is curious that only six items in the entire mansion could possibly be used as murder weapons, when many other items could surely be effective weapons. Game ends when murderer is correctly accused, or players have concluded that Clue presents a fundamentally flawed, irrational version of reality.

Russian Roulette Clue

Game is played like normal, with the exception that anybody who rolls a six dies. The last player remaining is the murderer.

Allegory Clue

Game is played normally, except Mr. Boddy is America, and his murder is the decline of our society. Each character, weapon, and room represents an aspect of American culture. For example, Colonel Mustard is the military industrial complex, Professor Plum is elite academia, Mr. Green is unfettered capitalism, the lead pipe is an outdated infrastructure, the Conservatory is the use of America’s natural resources, the kitchen is the American diet, and so on. Solve the mystery to determine which influences are to blame for American decline.

Quotation of the Day

"Now see here! You can’t just go about inventing quotations and attributing them to people!"

-Benjamin Franklin (1706 - 1790)

Four Other Books Every Hotel Room Should Have

Due to their invaluable wisdom and utility for reference, these other volumes should also be made available in every single hotel room across America.

1. Strunk & White’s The Elements of Style
2. Robert’s Rules of Order
3. Bartlett’s Familiar Quotations
4. Edmond Hoyle's A Short Treatise on the Game of Whist