Upcoming Presidential Summits

This evening, President Barack Obama will host prominent Harvard Professor Henry Louis Gates Jr. and Sgt. James Crowley, the Cambridge police officer who made headlines recently for arresting Gates for disorderly conduct, at the White House to talk and drink beer, in a groundbreaking "Beer Summit." Here is a list of other important summit meetings Obama has planned in the next year.

• September 7, 2009 - Labor Day Barbecue Summit
• October 3, 2009 - Dinner-and-a-Movie Anniversary Summit with First Lady Michelle Obama
• December 25, 2009 - Obama Family Christmas Summit
• February 7, 2010 - Super Bowl Party Summit
• March 7, 2010 - Academy Awards Watch Party Summit
• June 25 - 27, 2010 - Annual G8 Leaders Summit

Three Alternative Proposals for Health Care Reform

As Congress is currently negotiating major health care reform legislation, I felt obligated to weigh in on this contentious political topic. Although there is wide consensus that reform is needed, the details of that reform are fiercely debated. How drastic should this change be? Should health coverage be federally mandated? What role should employers pay in providing coverage? How would public health care be funded?

Of course for all the discussion of the different ideas being considered, attention should also be paid to the ideas and proposals left out of the debate. The following are three of these proposals.

1. Each American is required to spend three years studying a specific area of medicine. In this time, each person is able to cultivate a tiny amount of medical expertise, which they can offer to their friends or family. Because each person is knowledgeable in a different area, an informal barter system develops as people trade their services. For future reference, I would study dentistry.
2. Health care funding is transferred to the Department of Defense, supporting programs focused on helping people slowly develop immunities to all manner of diseases. These diseases are then weaponized and stored in top-secret facilities, where they can be used to defend the Earth from the hordes of extraterrestrial invaders we inevitably face.
3. The Department of Health and Human Services undertakes a $245 million media campaign convincing Americans that “if it hurts when you do it, don’t do it.” This is followed up by federal funding specifically allocated for the purchase and distribution of chicken soup to the ill and an Executive Order establishing the President’s Task Force on Making Sure You Get Some Rest.

Keeping Up (With My) Appearances

(For information on my schedule of public appearances.)

August 20 – 1:30 PM

Barnes & Noble Booksellers

Springfield, Missouri

This event was originally slated be a book signing coinciding with the release of my forthcoming memoir, And Then I Began to Write. Unfortunately, my publisher has once again delayed the book’s release, so I will instead be signing copies of Barack Obama’s Dreams from My Father.

Six Comebacks You Can Use Today

Perhaps the most highly coveted social skill is mastery of the witty comeback. There are few things more satisfying than countering a snide remark with a stinging rejoinder. Unfortunately, the perfect retort too often comes after the opportune time has passed. Even I, with my formidable wit, often grasp futilely for a perfect line, as the conversation slowly drifts away from me. For that reason, I’ve taken the liberty of crafting a few all-purpose comebacks for your everyday use.

• “That was such an inane comment that I won’t even dignify that with a comeback.”
• “Wait, what? Oh, sorry. I was listening to the ambient background noise, as it is more interesting than you.”
• “You make a good point there. Actually, no. I'm just agreeing with you ironically.”

The following three comebacks are also quite good, but only under very specific circumstances. Nevertheless, commit these to memory in case you find yourself in a situation where one would be appropriate.

• “I see. Well, I highly doubt Blaise Pascal would want to go out with you anyway.”
• “Are you kidding me? What is this, the House Committee on Rules?”
• “You might as well have run it through a centrifuge for all the good it would have done you.”

Correction to the Previous Correction

The recent correction published earlier today at 2:34 PM was intended to correct a web-log posting from June 22, 2009. Upon further inspection, the original posting in question was found to contain other errors, too numerous to bother correcting. For that reason, the posting has been deleted. Disregard the recent correction, as it is now irrelevant.

Correction

The recent web-log posting of June 22, 2009 entitled “Three Easy-to-Make Salad Dressings” contained an error. Horatio Lord Nelson, the British Naval Officer who died at the Battle of Trafalgar was not (as the post indicated) an Admiral. He was in fact a Vice Admiral.

Five Variations on the Board Game Clue

Many of you have written echoing a long-held complaint of mine: the Parker Brothers’ board game Clue is a bit too formulaic, with its rigid “one murderer, one weapon, one room” structure. Out of deference to the Brothers Parker, I’ve previously kept quiet on this matter. However, after hearing this criticism so widely repeated, I offer my suggestions for novel variations on an old classic.

Real Estate Clue

Each character is willed a portion of Mr. Boddy’s estate (real estate holdings randomly drawn from a Monopoly game). For each turn, a turn of Monopoly is also taken. The murderer can be determined either through logical deduction or by whoever’s inheritance is worth the most by the end of the game, as that character has the greatest motive for killing Mr. Boddy.

Inoffensive Fun Times Clue

At the start of game, no cards are placed in the envelope, Mr. Boddy is not murdered, and he and his party guests explore the mansion, where the only limit to their rollicking misadventures is their own imaginations.

Deconstruction Clue

Game is played as normal, except that upon entering a room, a player may either make a suggestion about the details of the murder, or make an observation pointing out some contradiction in the logic of the game. For example, one could question why guests are only allowed to move a certain number of squares for any turn, or indeed why the hallways have been arbitrarily marked off into squares in the first place. Another player may point out that it is curious that only six items in the entire mansion could possibly be used as murder weapons, when many other items could surely be effective weapons. Game ends when murderer is correctly accused, or players have concluded that Clue presents a fundamentally flawed, irrational version of reality.

Russian Roulette Clue

Game is played like normal, with the exception that anybody who rolls a six dies. The last player remaining is the murderer.

Allegory Clue

Game is played normally, except Mr. Boddy is America, and his murder is the decline of our society. Each character, weapon, and room represents an aspect of American culture. For example, Colonel Mustard is the military industrial complex, Professor Plum is elite academia, Mr. Green is unfettered capitalism, the lead pipe is an outdated infrastructure, the Conservatory is the use of America’s natural resources, the kitchen is the American diet, and so on. Solve the mystery to determine which influences are to blame for American decline.

Quotation of the Day

"Now see here! You can’t just go about inventing quotations and attributing them to people!"

-Benjamin Franklin (1706 - 1790)

Four Other Books Every Hotel Room Should Have

Due to their invaluable wisdom and utility for reference, these other volumes should also be made available in every single hotel room across America.

1. Strunk & White’s The Elements of Style
2. Robert’s Rules of Order
3. Bartlett’s Familiar Quotations
4. Edmond Hoyle's A Short Treatise on the Game of Whist